do you ever find yourself swirling in a self-made storm? i do. if i'm honest, i am incredibly susceptible to feeling the heavy weight of "supposed to" and finding myself blue with disheartenment because i simply cannot measure up. this past week has found me right in the thick of some dark clouds as regards parenting. i was completely taken aback when i ran into a situation that was over my head, way over my head, like an ocean over my head. i doubted myself. i tried to stay consistent and calm, but inside i was thinking i have no idea what i'm doing. desperate, i prayed on the bathroom floor. my daughter and i emerged tear-stained, but i felt my confidence as a mother had taken a hard knock.

simultaneously i started to read pamela druckerman's bringing up bebe. i've been on the wait list at the library for a while now, and i was eager to read it. though i inhaled it, i had mixed feelings. this week i also payed a visit to a friend's montessori classroom. i have been very inspired by the montessori and waldorf methods as i find the right balance for educating my children and contemplate homeschooling, and i wanted to pick her brain a little on how to teach letter sounds (something i am very passionate about). i loved the classroom. i found myself so inspired, and at the same time: daunted. really overwhelmed. how could i possibly recreate that environment here? as much as it was an encouragement it was another knock.

today, as i tried to clear out the storm in my head, i found truth weaving its way onto my journal pages. it gave me life anew. confidence. hope. perhaps it will do the same for you so i'll share:

i found when i was reading bringing up bebe, i was really faced with an anti-God framework for childrearing, not that many of the ideas were not good. they were. i like the 'non' with authority, or the limited snacks, or the parent time in the evening, or the 'bonjour' required to greet adults with, or the not narrating every move of your child at the park. but what i was faced with was that parenting could be easier for parents. not smoother and less fraught with arguments (who doesn't want that?). but that children could function more 'on the side' of your life. this is NOT to say that children should be dictators of your life or that the world revolves around their every wish or demand. but i was struck that what i really believe about children is neither american, french, or british. (sure, i have adopted, unknowingly a more french take on some of my childrearing, and also a decidedly american guilt infused attitude to other parts of it) but when i come down to it, i believe God entrusted these children to me and ethan to raise in the Lord, to nurture them, and reveal love to them in a tangible way. in addition i believe it is my joy, my great privilege to awaken them to expression and creativity. to wonder at the world around them, to unlock the desire to learn, to cultivate a tenderness for humanity, to really love, to think, to fall in love with Jesus. yes, it's a tall order. but firstly, it's me that God saw fit to give them to. and secondly, i realize that i am completely reliant on Him to help me. He has the wisdom, after all He formed my children together even as they were in my womb (psalm 139.13), and He knows them (jeremiah 1.5). He knows what they need, and He can give me the wisdom to parent them. it seems too simple, too childlike to state my trust like that, but i believe it. and i know it flies in the face of organized education, psychological parenting trends, and the race to early success for babies, BUT my God is the creator of the universe if there is any place my trust is safe, it's with Him. 

as i was writing in my journal i remembered that verse about children being a blessing from the God (psalm 127.3) i went to read it and was so moved by the beginning of the psalm. it exactly expressed my reliance on God and my inability to muster up perfection on my own.

unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.  psalm 127.1