impatiently waiting and wondering

 i'm readying myself for the arrival of our first bundle of joy. we're due any day now. being hopeless romantics and suckers for a good surprise, we didn't find out the gender, so we eagerly wait and dither backwards and forwards on a girl's name. we've literally gone through twenty names, whereas we've had our boys name right from the beginning. whatever that may mean, i don't know. now we are bombarded by all the questions. reality is almost here and i have to wonder, do we have any clue what we are doing? don't get me wrong, being a mother is what i have dreamed of my whole life. its like i'm finally getting license to do what i love. but what if its not what i thought it would be? what it feels like a trap? what if instead of being fulfilling, its the beginning of another thing you can't get out of. by the way, if you are reading this, and feeling like this woman is unfit to be a mother; she's dangerous, please realize i believe in being real and these are my real questions. i want this baby more than anything, but i still wonder about things. ethan and i have since the beginning of our relationship, established that having a family was one of our priorities. we wouldn't have continued dating if we hadn't agreed, thats how much it means to both of us. i feel like there is very little we desire more than to be parents. i still feel that we've been handed a fantastic christmas present by discovering that we were having a baby. its a miracle and a treasure given to us to care for by God alone. so when i'm having my moments of fear, i comfort myself with the fact that God saw fit to entrust us with this new life. by the way, i believe in the sovereignty of God, so don't be surprised to discover snippets of calvinist theology in my writings. back to the subject at hand, i do wonder if we're ready. hear this carefully, we are as ready as we'll ever be in the fact that we want parenthood, we want to invest in that completely, we're ready to give up the twenty-something life of selfishness that seems to pervade our peers, we're ready to be settled and we do have the necessary baby items, i'm talking about tools. spiritual and practical. i don't think we know how to be christian parents. i know, i for one, have been so busy trying to figure out where i stand in the middle of modern christianity, that i actually don't know how to live it out. i want to be genuine and not do anything thats not true to my faith, but i'm afraid that means i do nothing. do we put our baby to sleep at night with a bible story when i can't tell you the last time i picked up my bible just to read it. i wonder that. is this a stable environment, if i'm having so many questions about my faith. we haven't had any guidance on being parents. its like we are guessing. like we did with our marriage, and i know how that went. we made it out of the first-year jungle alive, but i wouldn't wish that year on anyone. ethan and i are both adults, we can, kind of, take the craziness of learning as you go in something as mind-boggling as marriage, but a baby needs consistency and stability. how do we guess our way through this? and don't think that means i'm imagining we'll just figure it out, i'm not, i desire guidance and teaching but from where? so here i sit 41 weeks pregnant, on the cusp of my greatest dream wondering how we're going to figure this out. the only thing i am sure of is the grace of God. let that be enough to cover all these fears and concerns.