the words of a mother

this little baby of ours just isn't quite ready yet. i do understand, its a major upheaval to leave the one place you've known and go somewhere completely different. i wonder if they think that or if subconsciously they just know it will be different? i feel like we both need a retreat, baby and me, where someone speaks soothingly to us and allays our separate fears. i'm sure hers/his are very different from mine. and i hope as we meet and the little baby is placed on my chest, i can whisper words of comfort and this baby will know, its home even in an unknown world. this will be something i do for the rest of my life, because that's what mothers do. they comfort and they make a home wherever they go. i know my mother certainly did, and she had a tougher challenge than most as we were periodically moving about, sometimes a new "home" every few months. but she always made it a home, she is the reason my childhood didn't feel like constant upheaval. which when i look back on it, is quite miraculous really. and still now in her embrace, everything is okay and safe, and i can greet the day with a strength i gained from her. being a mother, to me, seems one of the highest most beautiful callings there is. i might sit here and wonder if i'll be able to keep up with everything once this baby arrives and that overwhelms me, but when i think of there being a person here who needs me, who i can give to, care for, there is all of a sudden a switch inside and i'm up for anything and i want to be whatever this little person needs. it feels good to see myself write that, because i know deep inside that it's true but it can be easy to doubt yourself.  and i'm pretty good at that, doubting and selling myself short in my own mind. i need renewed hope in myself, you know, that mother's hug that says "you can do it." there are some things that though i foresee them being a challenge for me at first, i know i'll soldier through and master, if you will. but there are other things that it just seems easier to give up on, than try to get your head around. things like writing and the study of literature. i'm sure my mind is pretty sharp and edgy when i give the time to it. but how to do this, in the midst of living my dream of being a mother? i know, i know,  what you're thinking, you can do both, people do it all the time. and you'd be right, but i want to be a 100% mother. this is not in my mind something that can be, pardon me, half-assed. but i have complex dreams and i don't think they are mutually exclusive but i don't know how they co-exist. i suppose i'm to find out in the next months and years of my life. by the way, this isn't to suggest that i was pursuing writing before motherhood, so its not the introduction of a new baby that is compounding this. its me. how do i balance, juggle, be the eclectic person i know i am on the inside? whether its motherhood, or a paying career or marriage, there will always be something that attempts to steal you away from other dreams. and what people like me need is someone to say, "you can do it, you can be you, there is a way forward, even if its scary, you can do it." so baby, i'm saying that to you and to myself. we can do this.