waiting

still pregnant and i'm tiring of this fast. really wearing on my psyche. i worry though that because i am getting frustrated, i'm inwardly taking it out on the baby. creating an unhealthy relationship before it is even born. i remember early in my pregnancy when i was throwing up,  i would always tell the baby i loved it afterwards, for fear that it would somehow intuit a sense of unwantedness due to the fact that being pregnant was kind of awful for me at the time and i felt like i was somehow trapped in a cave with no ladder out for what felt like forever more. i was so afraid, it would feel that. its funny i had many negative feelings of being pregnant but i tried not to voice them, i didn't want the baby to hear. i tried to just put a brave face on and keep going. i rarely let myself leave the house looking like the disaster i felt. i'd do my hair, i'd do my make-up, and try to look cute. now i'm there all over again, i don't want to get out of the bed in the morning, i'd just rather sleep all day then face the fact that the baby still isn't here yet and i'm growing still more pregnant every day. but i force myself out of bed, i force myself into the shower, i do my hair, i wear my make-up, and i try not to communicate frustration to this baby. i may indeed shed the tears into ethan's waiting shoulder but any words destined for the baby are of a pleading kind, probably sounds pathetic to the little thing, but i'm trying. i realize that as soon as the baby is actually in my arms, i won't even think about this and i certainly won't take it out on the darling. i'll be too busy falling in love, in absolute wonder that this came from me and grew inside me. i better not start talking about that, otherwise i'll be lost in a blubbering mess. but back to the subject at hand, i do believe in the sovereignty of God and that he knows all things, he orchestrates things for the best. so somehow i resign myself to the fact that in God's perfect time, this baby will come. and it will be the right time. ethan was reminding me of this last night during one of my tear-dropping sessions. God knew that this baby would be before the foundations of the world, he knew the day it would be born before time, he knows if its a boy or a girl, he knows and in his hands we are safe. the trouble is leaving it in God's hands, that's a lifelong lesson that is currently being taught through the waiting for our baby.