change

i've returned to the penning of my thoughts. on may 20th, i was a born a mother and i birthed a daughter, naomi christine. she has indeed turned my life upside down. deep inside i am the happiest and most at peace i've ever been but on the outside it feels a like an uphill run. i know i can do it but when i look at the summit, i'm defeated, so i take a breath and instead look at the step in front of me. i don't think of next week, i think of today. i don't think of another morning of fussing and crying, i look at this minute, what will soothe her and meet her needs right now? and the surprise is God provides grace enough for that minute and then i look back and 5 weeks have passed! weeks of change, i feel like bigger things have shifted than i can even put my finger on. most are good, natural changes. but there is one i fear, even grieve. my marriage. i feel like we are fighting to stay on the same page, and it seems to take days to get there, and we are there for a few hours and then we're drifting again. i love naomi and i'm thrilled she is here, i'm delighted that we have begun the season of family but we've lost something too.  a big something. one minute we were two, ethan beside me as i brought this baby into the world, and the next we were three. as ridiculous as it sounds, we never got to say goodbye. i looked at him as he held my hand as my husband and in an instant he looked down to our daughter as a father. i love him and he loves me, but somehow its not the same. i fear that the more time passes we'll forget what we did have and not strive for the closeness anymore and instead become complacent and give up trying to get on the same page, i can't bear the thought of drifting away from one another. but how do we avoid that. yes, we are both centered on naomi's, we share that in common. but i am not just the mother of his child and he is not just the father of mine. that is a beautiful dynamic that God has blessed us to know, but i am too, his beloved and he mine. how do we walk through this terrain? i don't know. i do know one thing, these past weeks have caused me more than ever to turn to God and rely on him. and he's shown the way each day even in the midst of my weakness. he has given us strength and grace. i pray that he'll give us guidance too, not just for the mammoth task of raising a child but for our marriage too.  i pray that just as naomi has enriched our lives, that God will show us how family can enrich our marriage too. i believe inside that we can be parents who are devoted to our family, to God and to each other. and that this change will make us stronger not weaker. i trust God to show us how for his glory.